Going to school is great, but as my dad used to tell me, eventually you are going to have to get a real job. I am guessing that since you went to a trucking school your first choice is not going to be fashion design, so what are your options in the Freight Relocation Industry? Believe it or not, your field is wide open, provided that what you want to do is drive a truck all over the place and never see home again.
Okay, that's not necessarily true, there are some local jobs, but to be really, brutally honest, most of them are filled by guys who have been on the road quite long enough, thank you very much. Those that aren't, generally pay in peanuts…sometimes literally. No, really. I had a furniture delivery job that paid so little that I had to sleep on the old mattresses that we picked up and subside on stale Chee-to's that I found stuck in old sofas.
Local jobs aside, there are thousands of companies out there to choose from. Big companies, little companies, blue companies, orange companies, tanker-yankers, flatbed skateboard types, bull-haulers and pig-pens, chicken wagons and reefer-runners. By the way, ‘reefer-running' is not what it sounds like, but it's fun to tell people who don't know what you're talking about.
"So what are you doing these days, Harvey?"
"I run reefer up from the Mexican border."See? Sounds cool, huh?
Anyway, once you have figured out what sort of truck you want to drive and what company you want to drive it for, there is one more step in the chain. You then have to apply for these jobs, and believe it or not, some companies are picky about who they hire. Others aren't quite as particular; take one local job that I applied for a couple of years ago.
(Owner) "So, have you got any traffic convictions?"
(Highwayman, wincing) "Well, I just got a 75 in a 55 down in Ohio, and there was another in Texas a couple of years ago. Oh, and a 79 in a 45 in New Mexico, a 73 in a 55 in Michigan and a failure to stop in Illinois, Iowa, Nebraska, Colorado, Utah, Arizona and California. I was in a hurry. Oh, and a 90 in a 35 at home. The kids were late for school and I just got my Camaro out of the shop and… "
(Owner, looking unimpressed) "I mean, have you killed anyone?"
(Highwayman) "Killed?"
(Owner) "Yeah, the last guy we interviewed said that he had a ‘problem' with his license. The ‘problem' was a vehicular homicide while under the influence."
(Highwayman, aghast) "Wow, that's bad. An old charge?"
(Owner) "Last month. It was still pending. So, the question still stands. Ever killed anybody?"
(Highwayman) "Uh, no."
(Owner) "You're hired. Can you start in ten minutes? Our other driver just called in from the bar - he's running a little late."
Laugh all you want, that is really how it happened. Funny thing, they turned out to be a great outfit to work for, despite a relatively high turnover rate. Not that a lot of people were coming and going—a lot of them were turning over trucks. The great thing about a place like that is that it's really easy to shine, you know what I mean?
But the really important thing is the application itself. I'm sure that you've had to fill out a few job applications in the past, everyone has, but if this is your first job, oh boy, are you in for a surprise!
Make sure you write to me and tell me how you do, I really want to hear this.
But even if you've worked before, you probably haven't filled out an application for a trucking job yet, so I thought that I might help you out just a little bit. Ready? Here we go!
NAME: prefer not to disclose as the government has been ‘interested' in me since 1975
AGE: current
SEX: you bet! Is that part of the benefits package here?
CURRENT POSITION: sitting
POSITION REQUESTED: see above, only behind the wheel of one of your shiny trucks. I prefer red.
ARE YOU NOW AVAILABLE: well, yes…dinner at your place?
DO YOU HAVE A CURRENT CDL WITH HAZMAT: a what?
WHAT STATES HAVE YOU DRIVEN IN: confused, psychotic, drunken and miserable
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED OF A FELONY: convicted? no.
HAS YOUR LICENSE EVER BEEN REVOKED: my what?
EMPLOYMENT HISTORY: my employment is history, that's why I am applying here.
MAY WE CALL YOUR PREVIOUS EMPLOYER: you can if you want, but expect a lot of yelling, he's kind of a jerk that way.
NUMBER OF ACCIDENTS IN THE LAST THREE YEARS: can I write on the back?
WHAT MADE YOU THINK OF US AND WHY DO WANT TO WORK FOR THIS COMPANY: heard about your liberal drug screening process and was intrigued.
Now, you take this application guide and follow it to a T and you will be just as successful as the old Highwayman. Trust me, I should know about writing out applications…hell, it's almost become a hobby!
DISCLAIMER: Again, we find it necessary to remind the public that Highwayman is a sad, ill individual who writes this column as therapy for his shattered nerves and damaged psyche and that none of his rants should be given any credence whatsoever. Furthermore, if you choose to follow any of his advice, perform any of the tasks that he recommends, or repeat anything that he says to anyone on the face of the planet, you are so on your own that it isn't even funny. In fact, we not only deny any responsibility for the things that this wacko says, we think that he should be locked away and drugged with industrial horse tranquilizers. Thank you.
Highwayman