Just in case you've been living under a mushroom for the last year or so, there is going to be a big truck show out in Dallas at the end of September. If you're planning to attend, make sure you look for me — I'll probably be the one being escorted out by security. Why? Dunno yet, but I assume that it will have something to do with drooling all over those nice big show trucks with all the pretty lights and blinding chrome…

Man, I'm droolin' already!

Anyway, I'm really geeked about this, if you couldn't already tell. This is actually going to be the first time that I get to walk around inside one of these things. The ironic thing about trucking shows is that most us work too damned hard to be able to take off a couple of days to check them out. And of course, having a truck show in a downtown convention center makes even more sense, what with the ample truck parking in your average commercial district.

In fact, go ahead and park your truck next to a large building and see what happens when you leave it there at the curb. In about thirty seconds the FBI, CIA, SWAT, and about twenty other acronyms are going to descend on your rig, assuming that its loaded to the gills with AMFO (ammonia nitrate/fuel oil, for those who weren't Boy Scouts). They will then — very carefully — hook a tow truck up to your truck, very carefully drive it outside of town, and then very carefully blow it to smithereens.
Then they are going to come and ask you some very uncomfortable questions.

But enough about domestic terrorism, let's get back to the truck show.

I said earlier that I had never been to one of these before, but that isn't exactly true. A few years ago I managed to roll through the Iowa 80 when they were having their show, and man, oh man, did those trucks look great!

From the overpass.

Now, I begged my boss to let me have some time and hang out at the show, see some nice trucks, rub elbows, and maybe meet some nice swimsuit models—this was before I was married, of course. But, of course, the load I had was hot, so I couldn't stop. I mean, god forbid that the good people of Rapid City don't get their Wheat Thins on time.

But at least it was out where I could get to it if I had the opportunity to stop. Of course, that's assuming that I would be able to park once I got off the ramp. The 80 always has great parking, accept when every trucker in the world wants to get in to see the cool show trucks, rub elbows, and get blinded by chrome and shiny swim suit models. If you want to park at or near the actual facility during the show, better park about a month in advance, or bring your walking shoes.

So, this all got me thinking. Here we have truck shows in downtown areas, where you can't park a truck, and the average trucker can't possibly afford a room. In case you were wondering, I checked into room prices and it looks like the old Highwayman is going to be spending that weekend in Gainesville and commuting into the show.

Now that I finally got my baseball cap from the magazine guys, I guess the next step is to hit them up for an expense account, huh?

What we really need is a truck show that is made for truckers. I know that the show caters to the truck drivers that can make it in, and that there will be a lot to see…Me, for instance. In case you forgot, I'll be there, probably signing stuff, so come and see me.

And tell my boss to give me an expense account.

But aside from the vendors, tire representatives, engine manufacturers, company recruiters, magazine reps and their fine writers, and shiny new trucks, what does the real trucker need from a truck show? Shouldn't all of that stuff be enough? What more could I possibly want from a show?

Hooters.

Yeah, I want Hooters to sponsor the next truck show. And I want a freak show, too. Not a side show, not a menagerie, not attractions, I want a full blown freak show with good old fashioned freaks. I actually want to see some guy eat light bulbs or see some chick that can twist herself into a pretzel while playing the Battle Hymm of the Republic on the accordion.

And I want food. I'm a big guy, and I need big food, especially when I go to an event. So I want a pig roast at my truck show. No, I want 20 pigs, all rotating on one big continuous spit, powered by a 500 CAT. And fried turkeys. I didn't know it before, but you really can deep fry a turkey and have it come out more than just edible. So I want a whole flock of turkeys bubbling away. I say we cut an oil tanker in half, light a fire under that bad boy and flash-fry us some birdies.
I don't believe in the word small.

And chicks, man. Now, I'm a married guy, like I said, but I do recall how important the bikini was to me when I was a younger, less attached male. I could go on about this, but, do I really have to?

Trucks. It's a truck show, there have to be trucks, right? Well, let's roll em' on in, guys. If you got chrome, shine it. If you got lights, crank em' up. If you've got a massive stereo with a CD changer, crank up some Skynyrd and let's get down. And I think that there should be some new judging classes, too.

Clean class. Any truck that has been rolling for more than ten days and doesn't have french fries under the seat wins.
Ultra Clean class. Any truck without a national truck wash account that is outwardly clean wins.

Blue Ribbon Cooking. I had a friend that used to make pot roast in a little plug-in oven that would make your mouth water. The best I was ever able to do was hang strips of venison from the inside of the hood for five hundred miles and make jerky. Never mind where the venison came from. Which brings us to the next category…

Road Kill Countdown. I have always wanted to get little critter silhouette stencils to put on my left door, just like those bomber pilots in WWII had. He who has the most critters wins. Note: drivers whose routes take them often through Pennsylvania are not allowed to enter the “deer” category.

Most Ridiculous Chrome. Go absolutely nuts. Chrome the wheels, the tanks, the steps, the hood, the windshield, the fenders, the headlights, the steering wheel, the switches, the bunk, your TV, your fridge, your CB, your CD player, your port-a-john, your blankets, your closet, whatever. Most chrome wins. There will be another class for most chicken lights, don't worry.
Lot Lizard Fashion Show. You know, now that I think about it, I'm not so sure that I really want to see this after all.
Trucker Fashion Show. Put on your cleanest flannel shirt, tweak a new bend into that Big Rig Owner baseball cap, and give your boots a quick spit polish. No lingerie, please…please…oh, please, don't wear lingerie.

And vendors would be welcome, too, but not the usual suspects. I've seen seat reps, oil reps, engine reps, factory reps, filter reps, steering wheel reps, tire reps, wheel reps—although a new set of Alcoa aluminum wheels might get an invite—stereo reps, and even satellite TV reps. Like I have time to set up a satellite dish every time I park the truck!

No, I want guys with gadgets. I want to see the “laser cannon rep”. I want the “cop detector rep”…not radar detectors, cop detectors. And I want to see the “dirty magazine reps”. Not that I read that sort of smut, but I know that other guys do, and I also know that reps always have some kind of give-away freebies, and even I would be curious to look them over! In addition, I would really like to see the Buffalo Wing rep, the Cheese Doodle rep, the Beef Jerky rep, and the Ding-Dong rep.
Well, obviously it's getting close to lunch…I can always tell when everything I type has to do with junk food.

So, everyone keep an eye on Wheel Ruts, and I'll let you know when the First Annual Highwayman Truck Show is going to be held. I can promise you one thing up front, though; it ain't gonna be held in a convention center. I figure that it should be held in a large cut corn field…look for the giant spot lights illuminating the sky, and listen for some good old fashioned rock and roll filling the night.
And look for me at the beer truck.