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Dear Ellen,

During the week I spend countless hours cooking and cleaning for our three children while my husband, Dale is on the road. I know that he works hard all week and when he gets home he wants to relax and spend time with our family.  For him, this means that he gets to put his feet up and wait for me to prepare home cooked meals and to get his laundry cleaned and his cooler filled before he goes back on the road.

Although I don’t mean to complain, I just wish that I could get a break and that he could take me out to a nice restaurant or maybe for a movie on a Saturday night.  

How can I get Dale to realize that I need some time off too?

Debbie



Dear Debbie:

Did you tell Dale how you feel?

While you are trying to make his short time at home pleasant for him, it’s not helping your mood, I am sure.  You can’t just hold in your frustration and then expect Dale to understand that you need some special attention from him also.  You also recognize that he has a demanding job that requires his time and attention during the week.

If you haven’t taken some time to discuss your concerns with him, you need to do this soon.  Pick a day when he’s had time to relax, and let him know that you would like some quiet, uninterrupted time with him.  If possible, schedule a sitter or other activity for your children so you can focus on the conversation and not on their needs.

Then, be prepared to tell Dale how you feel.  Express yourself in statements, not accusations or in a whining manner.  Don’t put him on the defensive, as you haven’t given him the opportunity to change his behavior in the past.  

To put it simply, he probably wasn’t aware of your feelings, as he doesn’t have the same experience as you do.  So, give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he is willing to accommodate your desires once he understands your frustrations.

How can the two of you work out a compromise so that he gets the chance to relax when he’s home, but you get the opportunity to get away from your daily responsibilities also?  

Perhaps you could find some time for yourself during the week. Ask a family member or friend to share childcare tasks one evening, and then just use the time to relax.  Go for a walk, see a movie or spend the evening with friends.  It will help you regroup and will allow you to feel more like an individual and less like a mom, wife, daughter or caregiver.

When your husband is home on the weekends, take time for the two of you together and rejuvenate your marriage.  If he prefers to veg out in front of the television, lure him away for some quiet time and promise to tape his favorite show for later.  Schedule “couple time” apart from “family time,” but make sure he has time for both on his agenda.

If you have to schedule a date night, then think back to your former single days and call him up and ask him out.  Plan the dinner and activity and he won’t turn you down.  It doesn’t have to be an expensive restaurant or an extravagant menu, as a hot dog or burger at the local bowling alley is still considered a date!

Remember, he has been eating meals at truck stops and fast food places all week, so you might want to just go our for a decadent dessert after eating a casserole at home.

You appreciate how hard your husband works, but you still deserve some time for pampering also.  Give Dale the chance to do that for you, and you might be pleasantly surprised at how quickly he will understand.  He won’t know unless you tell him, so go ahead and ask him out on a date, and let us know how your weekend turns out!