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Dear Ellen:

I’ve been a professional driver for over ten years, and my wife, Diane, and I have been married for nearly two decades.  She is a wonderful woman, and I am confident in her ability to manage the household when I am on the road for two or three weeks at a time.

My wife insists on cleaning out my truck and washing the bedding for me.  While I love her for the hard work she does on my behalf, Diane often waits until the last minute to put the items in the dryer so that I can take them with me.  I can’t put wet blankets on my mattress, so I have to wait until the dryer has completed its cycle before we put them back on the bunk bed.

I am tempted to do the laundry myself, but she insists on doing this for me
My wife is only trying to help, so I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but how can I get her to understand that I have a schedule to keep and when I’m ready to leave, I need to watch every minute so I can deliver my load on time?

Randy

Dear Randy:

Your wife loves you, and she wants to help you by washing your laundry when you are home.  Sure, you could take care of this chore when you’re on the road, but I am sure that it’s easier and more comfortable to get your items clean in the comfort of your home.

You could also tell Diane that you are leaving at earlier than you had planned so that she has the laundry washed and dried by the time you’re ready to go.
However, this is only going to address the symptom, and not the problem.

Diane loves you and she misses you and it’s probably that the laundry is her small attempt at keeping you at home (with her) as long as possible.  Diane is exhibiting “passive aggressive behavior.” It’s her way of spending more time with you by procrastinating when washing your bedding and clothes.

A person who uses passive aggressive tendencies to control others often views direct confrontation as something to avoid.  Instead, they manipulate by delaying or sabotaging another person’s efforts so that their own desires are ultimately fulfilled, but in a way that isn’t so obvious to those around them.

People who prefer to avoid conflict would rather control the situation by using methods that can be explained in a way that shifts the blame to someone else.  While Diane may not even be aware that she is trying to control you by making you late for your departure, she IS aware that you are not pleased when you have to wait for the laundry to be dry.  If you get angry with her, then she blames you for your frustration, while she is trying to please you.

Although Diane loves you, and she wants to show this to you by accepting responsibility for your laundry, she is also exerting her “demands” to keep you home, in her very subtle way.

How can you deal with this type of behavior while keeping your marriage intact?  Learn to accept the fact that Diane is only delaying you because she loves you and wants to spend more time with you.  Then, sit down and talk about the importance of schedules and how you will need to leave according to your plan.  Ask her how she can help you accomplish your common goal of being on time.

The next time you schedule your trip, give her plenty of time to wash and dry your clothes and blankets.  If they aren’t done, just leave as you had promised.  You might end up buying more bedding, or spending the next two weeks in a sleeping bag, but you didn’t let your wife affect your delivery, and your mood.  

You might also want to schedule one hour of time alone with Diane before you are ready to leave.  If you inform her that you have to get rolling at 3:00 pm, but you have reserved the hour before that to focus on her, she will probably have that laundry done by 2:00 pm so it doesn’t disrupt the time she can spend alone with you.

Clothing and blankets can be replaced, but a loving marriage with a woman who wants to please you is not as easily found.  Understanding the motivation behind your wife’s behavior will help you not only deal with the laundry problem, but will allow you to keep your relationship happy and let you deliver your load on time.